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56: Claustrophobia

I’m home everyone, after a very tiresome day with my annoying little sister (no, not my biological sister). She dragged me around with her friends, made me carry the take-out bag from some restaurant, I forgot which one, and otherwise made me feel left out. But… it’s meh. Like my motto goes, “no hard feelings.” Hard feelings will make it difficult to communicate with the person you cherish.

Right! Enough chessy stuff. (Get it? Because Cheska, cheesy… Chessy? Ugh… that was bad even for my standards.) When I got home, I charged my phone right away (I ran out of battery in Rockwell) and checked my Messenger and WordPress. In Messenger, three messages: one from Cheska, one from Ella, and another from How Dip Is Ur Luv (groupchat name; long story). Anyway, I noticed that nii-chan had posted a new blog post about himself again, which was quite intriguing. After a few minutes, I was delving into his latest post about claustrophilia – the opposite of my claustrophobia.

So? What if I already have hemophobia? There’s no rule against having multiple phobias, is there?!

If claustrophilia is the attraction to closed spaces, then claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. I have a bit of that, though I can ride elevators well (as long as it ain’t full). To be honest, I have no idea where my claustrophobia originated, must be from a bad event during my childhood that I can’t remember anymore.

What does it feel like to be claustrophobic? I’ll explain it in a given situation. For example, you and your friends are going to La Salle for CS training, and you’re seated in the back row, and you’re so cramped there you can’t even move your legs, your claustro-fear will kick in. (See what I did there? Legs? Kick in?) To me, it feels as if my lungs are filling with something solid and I can’t breathe properly, and I have an almost irresistible urge to thrash around to make more space. As I grew older, I managed to control this thrashing, but the urge is still there whenever I’m in a cramped space. In an attempt to make more space, I push against the car windows and lean back in my seat to make the illusion of a wider area in front. Or I can just close my eyes and focus on my breathing. The latter usually does the trick.

So there you go, nii-chan. What a claustrophobic person has in mind. Sometimes, it’s cool to have a best friend who’s your polar opposite, because you get to see things from a completely different perspective. Well, this is your claustrophobic EnglishRazor, closing in. (Bad pun.)

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55: A Suicide Note

A cheerful day, my loyal subordinates. Yes, anyone who reads this is now under the domain of my powerful empire, etc. All that gibberish that I would have said… if I was sane.

Truth to be told, my sanity is long gone. I began losing it when my life began going downhill. That would be… Grade 8, yes. It continued to slope down, pulling me with it. But sometime during Grade 9, the fall stopped, and I found myself on level ground again… but not for long. And since then, the slope has become steeper and even more treacherous. Whenever I look down, I see the gaping maw of pure darkness that will soon swallow me.

In a nutshell: I am suffering from depression.

Alright, stop smirking and saying “Tss, he thinks he’s the only one. I’ve suffered worse.” I wasn’t saying any of that. And my depression is different. Somehow.

I control my depression, forcing it to make me suffer more than I should. Even greater suffering and pain that I find comfort in. To be honest, I would rather get hurt than to be happy. Happiness never lasts long, and when it ends, there is a void that fills its absence. But in pain, well… it’s always there. It doesn’t go away. All things yield pain.

Instant death or clinical death is not the only form of suicide, I say. The death of one’s soul, leaving behind an empty human shell, is suicide.

Picking off the hurtful words thrown at me by people, stabbing it a bit deeper into my soul. Replaying all the memories that I cherished so much, leaving me with a painful crushing sensation in my chest. Standing in the shadow of my friends, slowly getting eaten by the darkness below me.

Ah, that’s enough crap for today, I guess. This is your pain-loving SteelRazor, taking a short rest.

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54: Shake

It’s a calm midnight here, everyone. Like what you might expect, yours truly is having trouble sleeping again. I kept turning in my bed, trying to find a comfortable position in vain. After an hour, I gave up and listened to music.

My mind drifted quite far, my mixed feelings acting as a sort of beacon for my thoughts to home in to. When mind and heart are one, well… I’d say there’s no escaping the turmoil released. As the heart lets the churning emotions lash out, the mind burrows deep into the recesses of the brain, hooking up old, rusty memories, polished to painful vividness. For another hour, I lay in bed, helplessly replaying the hurt-filled memories I had worked so hard to bury under piles and piles of lies.

It shook me bad, and a very recent memory surfaced-the movie San Andreas. It was about how the San Andreas Fault in California generated an earthquake with a 9.6 on the Richter Scale and spawning a massive tsunami that devastated the already-devastated city. As an aspiring geologist, I took it upon myself to learn much about earthquakes as early as Grade 6.

The planet’s crust is a thin layer of rock floating on a sea of magma known as the mantle. But the crust is not one mega-sized shell covering the mantle. It is divided into several partitions, known as tectonic plates. Our country is situated at the boundary of two such plates, the Pacific plate and the Philippine plate. When two plates slide past each other, they don’t always go smooth. The mega rock gets stuck, but the plate has to keep moving, so pressure builds up at the stuck point.

When the rock decides that it had enough, it suddenly slips, creating underground shock waves that travel to the surface. These waves are what causes the ground to shake. The point underground where the stress was released is called the focus, while the point directly above it at sea level is the epicenter.

Earthquakes are scary, but they fascinate me. The destruction it can wreak is massive, sure, but the pure energy of it is overwhelmingly amazing. But that doesn’t mean I want it to happen here. (Well… yeah, no.) I still value my friends.

I wonder how long my soul can hold out until it releases all this pressure in me. Hopefully, I won’t have to. This is your quake-loving future geologist, SteelRazor, rocking away.

*Also, there’s a proper term for people who study earthquakes-they’re called seismologists.

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53: You’re Welcome

Why is it so hard for some people to express their gratitude? Is it really that hard to utter two words of thankfulness, or at least a simple “t.y.”? I mean, someone asks you for a piece of paper. You hand it to them and they strut away as if no one gave them that paper.

Stupid little ungrateful bastards. At least the guys know how to say “thank you”. Rex, bless him, even throws in more than just a simple thank you. You must be asking, then why doesn’t he just stop being selfless?

Yeah… good point. Why don’t we do that?

You selfish retard. You cannot fight your nature. Don’t you always feel obliged to help anyone in need.

Fine. I get your point.

Gratitude is something I do not take lightly. If I give you something, as long as you say thank you, I’ll be content with that. I know you only see me when you need me, but at leaat let me feel as if you’re treating me like a human being that deserves a token of gratitude.

This is your grateful SteelRazor, over and out.

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52: Isfet

He is no magician, nor half-blood. But he feels the same turmoil. Something writhing inside him, tearing his soul apart. Eating away at his heart, fighting to turn him insane. The snake, beast, creature, whatever it is that is slowly wasting him-is working hard. But he cannot fall now. Not yet, at least.

There it is again, the familiar ache in his chest, as if a giant steel hand was crushing his heart. It intensifies as he urges on, oblivious to the aftereffects of his self-torture. He could be left alone without anyone to comfort him in the end. But then again, that is what he wants. Pain. Suffering. Torment. Chaos. Preferably eternal.  He wants his soul crushed and buried so deep, no one will ever get him back again.

Even that one ray of light that could have saved him-that one string of hope-had turned out to be a deathly strike, pushing him further instead of pulling him up. Tired, tired, tired… so tired, he moans.

Even Carter Kane couldn’t have felt this much.

At least he had Horus to keep his mind intact. But I don’t have a god in my head… just my other, silly, stupidly kind alter-ego.

Back then, he wanted to survive this pain, this isfet, so he could live a normal, happy life. But as the weeks progressed, his hopes kept getting dashed one after the other. So much hopes shattered around him that in the end, he looked up to the sky, clenched his  fists, and uttered, I am done. No more fighting. There was nothing more to fight for.

His one tough ally could take care of himself. That was good enough for him. As for the one he covets… she will have to find her own way, alone.

The suffering and pain lodged in his chest again, like a rock blocking the natural flow of a river. The dam, once powerful and regal, was now cracked and old, pieces of it shattering every now and then, flooding his mind with intense emotions. But this time, he couldn’t let it break. Errands to run, stuff to do. It won’t do much if he was going to stare into a glass window and cry like an idiot. Save the tears for later… it will be your only companion. Trust me. I know.

Seeing others’ battles, his sigh echoes in his ears. Only if his own battle was as easy as theirs. If only he could find a way out of this mess. But no… he was trapped. Trapped between his ego, the infinite lies, loneliness, the pain and suffering, and himself. “To live, is to fight,” someone once said. Apparently, to him, it wasn’t applicable. There was nothing worth living for. Dying for-maybe.

He slumps back in the chair, tired of his own voice resounding in his head. He decides to at least spill a tiny portion of it, to make good use of his anguish. His feelings evolve into words… which he entitles… Isfet. Chaos.

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51: Up All Night

Oh… chilly morning, my precious subordinates. After typing that extra long blog post, Morpheus seemed to have given up on me and decided to find another person to put to sleep instead. You get the whole idea.

I used my time to watch the last three episodes of Naruto Shippuden, and I must say I was moved. Naruto’s unwavering determination to bring Sasuke back jolted a nerve in me. It made me see that people do not simply succeed using their skills or experience or whatnot. If you try and try and try, no matter how many times, you will never lose the chance to succeed. (Well, gosh. I think this is the gazillionth time I’m talking about not giving up.)

Whatever. You get the point, which is I didn’t sleep a wink tonight, and I watched anime. That’s basically it.

Or not. There are times when I can’t relax because I feel as if I forgot something important. And technically, that is the reason why Morpheus gave up on me. (Sheesh, I’m overusing the god of dreams.) That golden post wasn’t quite complete. Yes, there might be other people that I wasn’t able to write a letter to. But I mentioned that.

There was something missing in one of the messages. And that bugging feeling kept me up all night, like a sense of foreboding. I still can’t put a finger on it, but I’m very sure there was something important that slipped out of my mind.

Well, ranting about it won’t do no good. The SteelRazor resisting a rest, over and out. (Wooo, I threw in that pun there!)

*I just realized… my title is a song, isn’t it?

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50: The Golden Post

Cool midnight, everyone. And yay! We’ve reached 50 blog posts already! Hurrah and all that… yeah. Anyway, I won’t be wasting this opportunity to write a message to some people I cherish.

Konbanwa, Shin-niichan. (Or whatever you say during midnight.) Yeah, you probably know what I’ll say, but hear it out. So thanks for being my bff for like, a year or more (not really sure but meh), especially during those times when I needed support the most. You always knew how to comfort me even though I haven’t said a single word. You’re amazing that way. And thanks for trusting me. I feel really grateful for that. I mean you know… not many people actually trust me. Can’t blame them, I can’t even trust myself. But you taught me how by trusting me. You taught me so many things that came in handy. So yeah… thanks, nii-chan.

Hey Dom. Hopefully you won’t be able to read this. So… first, thanks for stuff. You know, being a good friend and all that.
I still remember how you warned me about the dangers of loving someone, and for someone who has no experience with love, I gotta hand it to you. Everything you said did happen. But thanks for trying. And I wish you’d let up on me at times. I’m not as tough as you think. (And I had a crush on you back then.)

Hello, Sunshine. First, sorry for those past few months. I wasn’t stable then. Hey, it was partly your fault, okay? And second, thanks for not giving up on me. You saved me from Tartarus. (Just google the thing. Takes too long to explain.) And hopefully… your mom won’t be as hostile anymore. Honestly, she scares the daylights out of me. (Don’t tell her that.) Well, don’t go anywhere, Sunshine. I still need you as my right hand man-er, girl.

I bet you were waiting. Hoping you weren’t on my list. Well… I’m sorry imoto-chan, but you’re one person I cherish. Don’t beat yourself up. That’s my job. (I mean beating myself, not you.) You’re not Atlas who carries the world on his shoulders. (Gosh, I’m such a hypocrite.) Your friends are here to share the weight. And don’t you dare give up. You didn’t give up on me and Sunshine, so you have absolutely no right to give up on yourself. We’ll be here for ya. And… I told you, whenever you need me, don’t hesitate to call my name. I’ll come rushing to your aid. Oh, and thanks for being my best friend. You can always come to me when you need someone to talk to. I’m the best listener in the entire school. (Excluding lectures. Those are boring.)

Jeiza. You human cannonball. You supernova. You… are my friend that comforted me during Grade 9, along with your partner-in-crime. I really appreciate the Manila Bay hangout. You two made me feel loved. And I can’t forget that time in ConChem when you, me and Ariel didn’t have a project. I felt weirdly gratified that you two fell with me. And those talks we had during Math time… yeah. Priceless. And thank you, thank you so much for trusting me. The most hyperactive member of Triple Trouble. That’s you.

Jetskie. I had a crush on you during Grade 8, but that was past. You and Jayzer look perfect for each other. I actually enjoyed being your third wheel. And thank you for your advices. I found strength in them, the strength to go on. Jayzer is so lucky to have met you. All those times the three of us hanged out, those were irreplaceable memories. You two are the best couple I have ever seen. And yes, I must say you are hot.

Ariel 7.50. (Wow, that was a rusty nickname.) The most annoying, the noisiest, the weirdest, but also the funniest person I’ve met. You’re cool in your own way, I’ll give you that. And I will never know what truly happened to you, Jayzer and Jetka back then, but I guess it’s better that way.

Arch. (That’s pronounced as arch, not arkh.) You bugger. I used to think you were shallow and dense, but boy, that must have been the wrongest guess of the century. I appreciate the advices, the talks, everything. You’re my guy best friend in Coper. To be brutally but honestly honest, I didn’t see you as my best friend until that day when you were absent and Mr. Sarmiento asked who was your best friend. Instantly, 30 fingers pointed to me. That was when I realized that the entire class saw us as bffs. And I realized it too. And about you predicting that I was going to fall for imoto-chan, gosh that was miraculous. You’re some sort of sage in a past life, I think. And thanks for showing me Undertale… I guess.

Konnichiwa, Eli-sama. I know we didn’t have much memories during Grade 8 (except for that time with Mikel and the whole clearance thing). You’re the first person to show me that giving up was an option one could take, but it would lead to less fortunate events. (I think you showed it to me without meaning to.) And thanks for helping me with that little scuffle with Sunshine. You believed in us, the same way I believe in Surrendering. (LoL players will understand.) And of course, I believe in you too. You are our Dad.

Hi Jerbs! Yes, yes, I cherish you too. You look amazing with a cap. And yes, I agree with everything Arch said about you. Hopefully you remember everything he said. But if not, here, lemme repeat some of them. You’re so kind, so pretty, so cool. Why anyone would want to hurt you, there’s absolutely no reason to. Uh… Arch said something else, but I wouldn’t repeat it, or I might get in trouble. But anyways, yeah. You are the kindest girl I’ve met. I’ll be honest, I kind of wished you could be with nii-chan, but scrap that. And don’t forget, your friends are here for you.

Hello, Sammy. You’re like my girl adviser 2.0, since Jetka is the first. (I almost finished typing the sentence, when I remembered-it’s a secret.) So… you’re kind, I’ll give you that. And I must say you’ve done much good for me in the short time that we have known each other. I hope I can return the favor.

Scoots. I don’t exactly cherish you, but might as well get you over with. You’re my second friend in Edison (Enzo being the first), and I’m grateful for that. You taught me much useless stuff, but I applaud you for the effort. And may I suggest you lessen the trashtalking while playing. You’re bringing down team morale.

Hi Zandr! This is my home turf, so no girl can bother us here. Thanks for being a good friend to me, and enduring my explicitly bad puns during Math. I’m just bored. I hope you still remember that time in Edison during AP, when we were singing a song together. “A Thousand Years”, was it? Yeah. You’re a good guy. I wish people would stop bullying you. (Ehem. Yeah, I’m talking to you girls.) If you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask me.

Kyle? Alright, Kyle. You big bully. You did that to me a lot during Grade 8. But now, I saw a side of you that I’ve never seen before. And thanks for trusting me. I didn’t expect you to trust me. And now, even though you still bully me, I know inside that you have a soft side.

Enzo. You’re cute, man. Handsome too. No lie, bro. Dude, you’re like, the best in CS. And thanks for keeping me awake during Mr. Casbadillo’s lectures. Sheesh, the guy knows how to make people sleep. And yeah… thanks for the CS project. I owe you one there.

Commander. I like your manly scream when the volleyball was sailing towards you. And I always admired you for being a tough guy. You are kind inside, funny, and not too stupid. And please, please stop the bad puns. It’s… too much of your style. And yes, THANK YOU for announcing to Burbank about my crush. Really, really appreciate it, man.

Charles. The Ultimate Bad Boy of Masci. Gosh, you’re like, as Dom would say, “70% of all of Masci’s problems”. I gotta agree with him on that. And though you might look all bad and stuff, but I know you’re kind and religious. And you sure know how to have a good time. Grade 8 days, man. Grade 8 days.

Yo Mikel. We miss you. You should have dropped by last Foundation Day. But meh… anyway, I still hope you’re still the Math God we all know and love. And I wish the Three Kings of Edison can still return, even for one day. You, Dom and Charles.

Well, I guess that’s it for now. I cherish a lot more people, but my fingers are numb already. This is SteelRazor, from this end to yours.

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49: Confusion

Lies. So much lies. There’s no way to know the truth. Which one? Which is it? Which of these threads of lies is the truth? It’s the proverbial needle in the haystack. One of these lies is true. But what? The most embedded one? The shallow one? Perhaps the newest one? Or the one on the bottom?

Why did I do this? Covering up the truth with so much lies, now I don’t know what is true. My feelings, my thoughts, my actions, my words, my life… which is true, and which is false? Spiraling down the chasm of darkness, only the truth can save me. But then again, my question remains: what is the truth?

Who am I? Once upon a time, I had known with absolute certainty. Now… it’s foggy, like a mountaintop covered with clouds. The road is tortuous, and it might lead me to death. My only light is gone. All that’s left is… me. Or the shell that is trying to be me.

Who am I?

This is your confused blogger, the EnglishRazor, over and out.

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48: Their Memento

Greetings, from your one and only SteelRazor. (Gosh, Euclid students will kill me for that.)

Alright, enough distraction.

Do you ever keep an object that reminds you of something or someone? Like, say, a ballpen or a ribbon? I’m sure you do. Holding on to those things, means that you’re still treasuring them, or at least your memories together.

Or you’re just too lazy to throw it away, I don’t f*cking know.

A picture. No, more like pictures. A bunch of images that take up space and prevents you from updating Youtube because it says “insufficient storage”. Why won’t I remove them and finally have my Youtube updated?

Because those pictures are more important to me than the new and better mobile Youtube.

I didn’t have much memories with those two, just the occasional “hellos” whenever we pass by each other in the hallway. In Technical Writing, I first met the guy. Kind, soft-spoken, and handsome, I’ll admit. His last name always brought a smirk to my face, though I will never know why.

And the girl. I cannot remember much of my earliest memories with her. Her name was only introduced to me through a mutual friend (though she is a lot more than a friend to me, she and her boyfriend both).

As always, I knew nothing about the people around me. I thought they only met each other because they were both in Technical Writing, but as it turned out, some things are not what they initially seem to be.

I remember sitting in the front seat during TWE, right beside nii-chan. Remo and Jimi always bugged me, since they were seated right behind me.

I faintly remember turning around and seeing them talking in hushed tones, an occasional smile passing by their lips. At first, they annoyed me, since they were too cuddly in class. But soon, I came to appreciate the good vibes they were emanating.

Not much memories of them… except for a bunch of images they sent me during the Fourth Quarterly Exams. It annoyed me how annoying they were, but it was also endearing how they were annoying me together.

I couldn’t focus on reviewing because of them. They were beside me in KFC, so focused on each other instead of the reviewers in front of them. But then, I was also happy to see them like that. Enjoying each other’s company and care.

Then bam. The Fates interfered. I don’t want to talk about it because honestly, I’m not really sure what happened to them.

Well, it’s getting pretty late. This is the SteelRazor, reminiscing in the past.