Posted in BloodRazor

39: BloodRazor’s Last

A cold evening, readers.

I’m pretty sure that many of you had friends that you didn’t meet for a long time, and when you met them again, they’re different. Their looks, their style, their attitude, even their way of talking. At this point, most of us say that the person has changed. He’s not the same as back then. He could be better or worse than before.

But I don’t think so. I don’t think people change. A person can never change. We were not created to change. When we were born, we were born complete. People do not change. They are just adding onto themselves. If he was quiet and shy before, and now he’s active and talkative, then he added those bits and pieces to himself. He could have picked them up from new friends or from the environment surrounding him.

A person does not change. He adds onto himself.

However, there are times when your friends slowly stop talking to you, stop interacting with you. This might be unnoticeable at first, but it gradually develops. This process of “unfriending” takes time, just like everything else. You get farther and farther until it becomes awkward when you try to talk to them.

At this point, you’ll say that you have “lost your friend”.

And yet again, I beg to disagree. You don’t lose friends. You don’t make friends. When you become close to them, your friend is born. He enters your life, becomes a part of it. You talk to each other, eat lunch together, make assignments together. But at some point, because of a rift that you couldn’t solve, you start to drift away from each other. And when that happens, your friend dies… and a stranger is born. He leaves your life and is reborn as a new person outside of your life.

I’ve had friends who died before. I’ve had friends who added onto themselves. I’ve done quite much during my 16 years on this pain-riddled planet. I’ve seen and done some things that a 16 year old isn’t supposed to see or do. I’ve seen things from the perspective of both a boy and a girl. I’ve determined the difference of a boy using Facebook and a girl using Facebook. I’ve been in an argument and heard both sides. I’ve listened to both sides talk sh*t about the other. I’ve been left, hurt, loved, played, trusted, lied to, cheated, accepted, rejected, protected.

I did say that BloodRazor was the representation of my suffering and pain. But it seems that even BloodRazor cannot endure this much loneliness, this much isolation.

So from here on out, BloodRazor is no more.

This is your newer, tougher and stronger SteelRazor, over and out.

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Posted in BloodRazor

38: Wake Me Up When September Ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father’s come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father’s come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends

Please don’t go… don’t leave me again…

You may not be my everything anymore, but I still need you by my side. At least… make it reach the end of September.

But if you really have to go… thank you. Thank you for the memories, for the smiles, the hugs, the kisses, the love that only you returned to me. Thank you for everything we had. And don’t forget me. That’s all I ask.

A lonely, shivering and dying EnglishRazor, over and out.

Posted in BloodRazor

37: Change

A sunny afternoon, readers.  I have some errands to run today, so I might keep this one a short post. Also there are important things to be done, things that require all my effort and abilities to be finished.

And another thing before I start my post (I mean the real topic, since I’ve already started the post itself), for my final blog post, which is quite far in the future, I will say everything cooped up in me, no sarcasm, no lies, no hidden meanings, none of that sort. Just the truth, and only the truth.

Alright! Change.

Change is something that is definite in this world. It does not disappear, it does not end, it does not… well, change. Also it’s something you get in return when you pay too much. (Wow, that was stupid.)

It is something that is constant in this universe. It applies to everything within the universe. It can be found in every subject, in every topic… in everything. Change is everywhere. Change is… okay, I’ve scoured my brain for everything closely connected to the word, and I’m sure you already get my point by now. If you still don’t… whatever. Just read the blog.

We cannot evade change. Everything we do, is change. We breathe? The air changes. We talk? The… um… action… of our mouth changes. (That was lame, I’m sorry.) Yeah, yeah, you get it. I’m not exactly in philosopher/scientist/guy-who-just-wants-to-rant mode right now… anyway, I think I’ve made my point now.

So! Change. But that’s not the end of this topic. The next post is closely related to change, which is the reason why I prepared this post. A sort of “preparatory” stage, don’t you think?

I must go and reload my vocabulary ammunition for later. The real and chill EnglishRazor from this end to yours, over and out.

Posted in BloodRazor

36: Good Morning

Hey, look I made a blog post before 12 pm! The ball of fire we call sun has just come up from behind the horizon. And… my brain isn’t fully functional yet. Some of my neurons are still dozing off and it’s hurting my head when I force myself to think.

Anyway, back to the topic.

Wait… that was the topic. See? Faulty brain over here. It’s just 7:20… I still have over an hour to get ready. And trust me, it takes time for me to get ready. Like, I fall asleep right after snoozing the alarm, or I sleep through it, the ringing sound distorted into a dream by my sleeping brain. (Okay, I know the brain doesn’t sleep, but you get my point, right?)

I feel like I got pulled out of my body then stuffed back in again in a hurry. You get what I mean? You probably don’t, but that’s the best way for me to describe this weird sensation. Plus this throbbing pain in my temples. I should really get out of bed now, maybe I just need to stretch my body a little. Do something productive with my time.

Oh yeah, breakfast. I haven’t eaten breakfast yet. Must coax my body out of bed so I can finally get my morning fuel.

Ugh, so much things to do, so early in the morning…

Posted in BloodRazor

35: Bored as F*ck

Arrrgh… I’m sooo booored… I don’t know what to dooo…

Why am I bored? Well I don’t f*cking know… maybe because I’m also too lazy to do anything. I’m hungry, but I’m too lazy to get downstairs and eat. I’m sleepy, but I can’t sleep yet since we’ll be leaving for Manila soon. I want to play, but the laptop’s shut off Lready and my brother is nowhere to be seen. And like what I said, I’m too lazy to stand up and look for him.

I want to rest my head on someone’s lap… lay down beside them and close my eyes. I’m bored because I don’t have anything to do, I don’t have anyone to talk to, I don’t have someone to hug and open up to. (And also, I’m sleepy.)

Still not done with my Economics Reflection… I must do it before this day ends… and not to mention the lore about the gods and goddesses we made in Humanities. Oh, someone take away my boredom and laziness…

I’m sure someday I’m going to look back at this blog post and give myself a facepalm. “Joshua, what are you doing with your life?” Well, at least I’m too lazy to feel the throbbing pain in here. Somewhere in me. I’m too lazy to care about other people… for now, there’s only me. Me and the world. No other humans on this blue planet… except for me. All the fresh breeze is mine, all the cool freshwater is mine, all the mouthwatering food is mine, all the best clothes are mine.

But she… she can’t be mine. No sir. You have no right to have her. All you can do is watch… and be happy… and yeah. You can’t go “skadush” and escape reality the same way as Darkk Mane escapes three fed Udyrs coming after him. This life doesn’t come with a Flash or Teleport. No sir, it does not. You can’t SKT T1 Faker your way out of this.

Heh… see what boredom does to me. It makes me different. Uncaring. Cold. Smarter. But these temporary upgrades come with a very heavy price: moving around takes a sh*t ton of effort. I’d rather lie down on this sofa all day.

I feel like I can make up more legendary phrases, but I’m too lazy to make them. So, um… wait, we can’t end this post yet. Uh… we need a joke. Okay… so…

What does it feel like when there’s a heavy downpour outside?

It feels… bor-rain. Get it? It’s like boring, but instead it’s bor-rain.

Yeah… I think I’ve annoyed you enough. I should make a joke before ending my blog posts, huh… gives it a bit more… BLOGADUM!!! (Okay I’ll say so myself… that was bad.)

There’s going to be a thunderstorm soon in Manila. Guess I should be… going Thor soon. Get it? It’s like there, but instead it’s Thor. Going Thor soon. Uhm… so… have I given you cancer? Tell me if I have, so I can cook up some more that will kill you.

Okay, that’s enough. This is your annoying blogger The EnglishRazor, logging off.

Posted in BloodRazor

33: Time

Good evening, people. I’m currently here in my aunt’s house in San Pedro, Laguna, and yeah… I’m waiting till the last minute to make my assignments. I’m never really good at managing my time well. In fact, I suck an any form of managing-my allowance, my time, my things, even my life. Hah… my life is beyond managing already. It’s going on its own path that I can’t steer.

I’m rambling on a different topic. I should stay focused.

So, time. It is something constant in our world. It continues on, never stopping. It takes with it memories, feelings, and life, leaving behind pain, loneliness and death. Time can do many things.

Time can hurt. It can amplify hurt by prolonging the lies and deceptions. It can lengthen hurt by stretching illusions to near eternity. Yes, time can hurt. (It can also hurt if you throw a clock at someone. That’s got to leave a mark.)

But time can also reciprocate its own effects. It can heal. It can make a broken heart recover, it can make a deep wound heal. Time can make shattered things repaired and working again, as if nothing had happened. It can fix everything that has been broken, if given the opportunity, the chance. But time cannot remove the scars, the remnants of the hurt it had caused. No, time cannot do that.

Time can also change a person. A person who was kind and caring before can become cold and cruel. A person who was happy and optimistic can become gloomy and lonely. Time can make a man change his ideals, either for better or for worse. Someone who used to firmly believe that you should always look out for yourself before others will inevitably bend to the omnipotence of time.

Time can hurt. Time can heal. Time can shatter. Time can repair. Time can change someone. Time can do many things. It can remove memories, delete feelings, lock away friendships. It can spawn a gargantuan void between two lovers. It can push two lost souls together. It can give us a chance to talk to that one person we wish to talk to. It can make us rethink our purpose in life. It can make us love someone again. But most of all…

Time goes on. It doesn’t stop.

We just have to keep on going. Just like what Dory said in Finding Nemo, “just keep swimming”. Whatever may happen, events or misfortunes that can befall us, all we can do is keep on moving forward. Until the day comes when…

Your time is up.

Posted in BloodRazor

32: Encased with Steel

Cloudy skies without a single drop of rain. An accurate description of today’s weather. So it’s safe for me to say that it is a pleasant evening for us. Or for most, rather. Not everyone is enjoying their short life right now.

Anyway, onto my topic.

In history, fighters have always used various methods to protect themselves during battle. Samurais learn how to parry blows with their long swords (hmm, must be compensating for something). Ninjas train to be incredibly fast in order to dodge attacks. And knights wear steel armor for protection. (I see double meanings.)

Usually, steel is praised for its glimmer and distinct toughness, and whenever I think of steel, I always think of knights. Knights are cool. They can take a lot of blows and still survive-because, again, of their steel armor plating. (Wish I was a knight… so I can take a lot of blows and still live (I swear that line has two meanings, just find which is which))

So what is all this talk about steel for?

Can I have a custom-made steel plating for my heart? You know, one that seals all emotions away? Because I’m tired of loving, I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of suffering. I’ve had way too much of that, the same way as how an alcoholic had too much beer and is about to die from his own stupidity.

But most of all… I’m tired of caring.

Why? Why do I care about people? Why do I care about everyone? Why do I care about people who don’t even look at me? Good merciful God, why? I try to look the other way, try to think that “Meh, f*ck them, they’re not worth my time,” just like what nii-chan told me, but every time I do, there’s this little voice in me saying all kinds of stuff.

Dude, she needs help.

So? Let her find help.

No one’s going to. Only you have the heart to help.

Come on, Joshua. You can’t stand seeing her like that, right?

Fine. I’ll help.

This is what always happens. Always. Every damn time I try to ignore someone, this inner me starts whispering, talking to me, until I give in to it. What, am I a slave to myself? Yes! Yes I am! Either that or I’m just too kind to really ignore people, like, it’s in my nature to care about everyone around me. That’s just plain bullsh*t. I’m walking straight into a death trap that has bright, flashing signs that says “WARNING – DEATH TRAP”.

Oh, I’ve invented a new form of government that only applies to me! It’s called “Idiocracy”! You know, when you’re that much of an idiot to care about someone who wouldn’t even give a rat’s ass about you? Yeah! Idiocracy!

And why care about the “greater good”? What about your own good? Wow! As if anyone cares for my good! Come on, only nii-chan was able to show the most affectionate gesture for me. Only he knows what’s truly, truly in here *points to chest*. Not the person I love, dimwits (yes, I called you all dimwits because I am royally pissed right now), but who I really am. F*ck, not even I know myself that much! And I even dare think about such obsolete stuff as “my good”? What is that, some myth? Oh yes! It’s actually the biggest myth in history, it took down Greek Mythology and Roman Mythology in one fell swoop! What the f*ck!

And now I’m confused again, more than ever. Why love? Why wait? Why help? Why think? Why worry? Why protect? Why kiss, why caress, why hug, why look, why remember, why cry, why f*cking care?! Can’t I just not care? Can’t I…?

Ugh.

What did I tell myself? The only thing that I can do? Endure. Endure it for as long as you must. Endure the wasted efforts, endure the cold shoulder, endure the uncaring looks. It’s what you do best, anyway.

This is your blogger with a steel resolve The EnglishRazor, logging off.

Posted in BloodRazor

30: A Multitude of Secrets

A rainy evening, my fellow bloggers. I got home late this evening because my close friends Jayzer and Jetka asked me to play with them, and so I relented. (Fine, I was the one who pushed them to play with me. I was kinda depressed, and I only play League of Legends when I’m super depressed.)

But enough about that.

There is no law against having so many secrets, right? Because if there is, then I am the most wanted criminal already. There are so much things about me that only I know. Not even my parents know my deepest thoughts, the emotions hidden in the corners of my vast mind.

Even nii-chan, my best friend, doesn’t know everything about me. (Yes nii, I am far more formidable than you imagine.) But why would I keep so many secrets from people? Why would I keep secrets from my best friend?

Last year, I purchased this book from Booksale entitled “Sandman Slim”. It’s about a half-man, half-angel who fell into Hell and stayed there for 11 years and came back to Earth as a hitman. There was a part in the book where he inquired about a hidden room in Club Avila, his targeted place. His friend, Mr. Muninn, insisted that he not find out about it, but he asked anyway.

“What else do you know about Avila? You know what they’re hiding in that blank spot in the blueprints. Don’t you?”

Muninn looks troubled.

“You don’t want to know about these things. I don’t want to know about them and I’ve seen whole civilizations turned to salt or buried in ice.”

“What’s in there?”

Muninn shakes his head.

“A bordello. The secret one. A celestial bordello full of creatures seldom seen here on Earth. But the real reason those so inclined go there, risk their lives and souls, is for the pleasure of abusing captive angels. These are the injured ones who fell to Earth during Lucifer’s uprising and new ones that they have captured since, though I have no idea how one goes about capturing an angel.”

Muninn looks at me.

“There. Are you happier knowing? Will you sleep better tonight? Young man, there are some things in the world so profane that their only real value is in not knowing about them.”

“Sandman Slim” by Richard Kadrey, p. 174-175

Now, I didn’t tell you this to go find the book and read it. My point here is, something that Mr. Muninn said made me think deeply.

There are some things in the world so profane that their only real value is in not knowing about them.

I believe the same goes for people’s secrets, especially mine. Sometimes, it’s better not to know too much about something or someone, because too much knowledge is never good. Sometimes, it’s better to be dumb than to know all. Knowledge can bring about great destruction. Which is why people keep secrets.

Well, I must go now. This is your secretive blogger, The EnglishRazor, logging off.

Posted in BloodRazor

29: Imagine It…

Ahhh… a good, chilly morning, my readers. I’m feeling weirdly good today, as if something pleasant will happen today.

No, sir. You’ve got tons of tests coming right at you today.

Come on. Don’t spoil the early morning fun. You’re always so damn pessimistic.

Anyway, I woke up today feeling complete, vigorous. it took me a few minutes to understand why, since I’ve never woken up like this since… last year, I believe? Ah, yes. Last year, on that day. But we won’t talk about it here. Not yet, at least.

So why did I wake up so happy again? ‘Cause I had a dream. (I’m obviously going to narrate it, but just bear with me since I forgot much of the dream.) So… in my dream, I saw my friends. They were trapped in a large warehouse of some sort. I won’t mention the friends I saw, but all I’m going to say is they’re important to me. All around them were gunmen, around five gunmen. The gunmen were talking their time in getting closer, knowing that even though each of them only have one bullet left, each bullet will be enough to kill each of my friends.

The five gunmen have cornered my friends into… oh, guess what? A corner. (That was lame as hell.) Each one targets a quivering individual. Just before they pull the trigger, I jump out and take the silver bolts of death, each one striking painfully close to my heart. My friends’ faces were filled with horror. Their mouths were open, their hands reaching out to me.

No, I said. Go and escape. I give them a bloody smile before my eyesight fully dissipates.

Then I woke up.

There you go. Another piece of my vast brain, delivered down to my fingers, through the keyboard and onto this post. (I need to find new phrases like this.) Sacrifices… I live for them. For my friends. I find pure happiness in sacrificing myself for my friends. So the so-called ultimate sacrifice, would bless me with oblivion. (At least, that’s what I think.)

Well, it’s 37 minutes after five in the morning. I should go now. This is your blogger who would take a bullet or knife (or basically anything that can kill) for his friends, The EnglishRazor, logging off. Jaa ne, minna-san.

 

Posted in BloodRazor

28: What Is My Fate?

My shattered feelings will always be like this… shattered. Broken. Never fixed.

The first time I fell in love, she turned me down so hard that my innocent heart that had never felt heartbreak before was shocked. It was the first time I felt such immense hurt in my chest, as if a steel hand was crushing my lungs.

The second, I wasn’t given enough time, and now I feel like my feelings for her (or what’s left of them) are suspended in time, going neither backward nor forward. I still like her, but somehow, it feels wrong… feels out of place.

The third time, she was the first girl to make me feel loved too. And it would have worked out… if not for outside interference. Interference that shaped our paths. And now, she has ended it, like cutting off the rope that attaches me to the harbor, letting me drift away into the open sea.

And the fourth? No, she doesn’t love me back. Right from the start, I knew she wouldn’t, but I let my feelings grow.

Now, what am I to do?

Can’t I just tell myself “Don’t love anymore, you’ve had too much”? Can’t I just turn off my emotions, the same way I turn off the television when there’s a thunderstorm brewing?

No. I can’t.

This is your shattered blogger the EnglishRazor, logging off.