Posted in SteelRazor

55: A Suicide Note

A cheerful day, my loyal subordinates. Yes, anyone who reads this is now under the domain of my powerful empire, etc. All that gibberish that I would have said… if I was sane.

Truth to be told, my sanity is long gone. I began losing it when my life began going downhill. That would be… Grade 8, yes. It continued to slope down, pulling me with it. But sometime during Grade 9, the fall stopped, and I found myself on level ground again… but not for long. And since then, the slope has become steeper and even more treacherous. Whenever I look down, I see the gaping maw of pure darkness that will soon swallow me.

In a nutshell: I am suffering from depression.

Alright, stop smirking and saying “Tss, he thinks he’s the only one. I’ve suffered worse.” I wasn’t saying any of that. And my depression is different. Somehow.

I control my depression, forcing it to make me suffer more than I should. Even greater suffering and pain that I find comfort in. To be honest, I would rather get hurt than to be happy. Happiness never lasts long, and when it ends, there is a void that fills its absence. But in pain, well… it’s always there. It doesn’t go away. All things yield pain.

Instant death or clinical death is not the only form of suicide, I say. The death of one’s soul, leaving behind an empty human shell, is suicide.

Picking off the hurtful words thrown at me by people, stabbing it a bit deeper into my soul. Replaying all the memories that I cherished so much, leaving me with a painful crushing sensation in my chest. Standing in the shadow of my friends, slowly getting eaten by the darkness below me.

Ah, that’s enough crap for today, I guess. This is your pain-loving SteelRazor, taking a short rest.

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Author:

With my pen, the world sits in the palm of my hand.

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