Well… a less than pleasant evening to all of you guys and gals. I was reading The Lost Hero when I was interrupted by a message. It was from Gmail telling me that my best friend had posted another applause-deserving work and I was obliged to like it or my head was going to end up in a sewer. Without the body attached.
Okay, you got the point. That message pulled me from Leo, Jason and Piper’s fall from Festus and into nii-chan’s story about some killer loner. And as usual, I scrolled through volumes of people’s rants and stuff. No offense intended, since I myself rant about useless things as well.
Then bam. It hit me, that one post. Well actually, every post I see hits me. (Or if I don’t see… I hit the post. Okay, bad pun.) My point here is this: for the rest of my life, I had always shut up. My parents scold me for something I didn’t do? Shut up. I get bullied a lot by my classmates? Shut up. The jeep driver didn’t return my change? Shut up. For the longest time, I had no voice. I rarely voice out my opinions and feelings, knowing full well no one would even bat an eyelash. My patience was longer than anything you could imagine. Anger? Not my style. I could never stay angry at someone for more than a day. I just keep my mouth shut, accept all the beating, cursing, and discriminating thrown at me.
But I’ve had enough.
I’m done being a slave to my own weakness, my kindness. I’m done getting cursed at by people. I’m done getting bullied. I’m done with people not hearing out my opinions and feelings. I am done with my old, stupid, and soft self. And so I followed my best friend’s advice.
From here on out, I will shatter all my feelings for everyone and seclude myself with an impenetrable aura of coldness. You want me to stay away? Sure, wish granted. You wanted me to shout back at you? Fine. You wanted to know why I didn’t wash the dishes? Here’s my answer. You wanna know why I fed the enemy Yasuo? I’ll yell it in your ears. You bully me a lot? Alright, watch out for my fists.
I’ve tried for a decade. I have tried if kindness will work. I tried if being passive will pay off. But no. The easy way wasn’t as easy as I thought. So let’s try the hard way this time.
Here’s my answer: I’m done getting hurt. I’m done falling in love. Let me die a bachelor, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass. Let my love life be covered by cobwebs and dust, I won’t bat an eyelash, the same way 9/10 of all the people I cared about didn’t care for me. Lose me once, I’ll give you many more chances. That was the old me. Now lose me once, f*ck off.
Now I fully understand why my best friend is a bit antisocial. Now I understand why some guys prefer men over women. Now I understand for the first time how it feels to be cold and vengeful, very different from the old me, caring and loving.
I have learned to face loneliness. I have learned to blanket my heart with a steel shroud. I have learned how to be antisocial. Which is very, very unlike the old me.
Alright, that’s enough ranting. This is your colder and uncaring SteelRazor, shutting down.