Posted in BloodRazor

32: Encased with Steel

Cloudy skies without a single drop of rain. An accurate description of today’s weather. So it’s safe for me to say that it is a pleasant evening for us. Or for most, rather. Not everyone is enjoying their short life right now.

Anyway, onto my topic.

In history, fighters have always used various methods to protect themselves during battle. Samurais learn how to parry blows with their long swords (hmm, must be compensating for something). Ninjas train to be incredibly fast in order to dodge attacks. And knights wear steel armor for protection. (I see double meanings.)

Usually, steel is praised for its glimmer and distinct toughness, and whenever I think of steel, I always think of knights. Knights are cool. They can take a lot of blows and still survive-because, again, of their steel armor plating. (Wish I was a knight… so I can take a lot of blows and still live (I swear that line has two meanings, just find which is which))

So what is all this talk about steel for?

Can I have a custom-made steel plating for my heart? You know, one that seals all emotions away? Because I’m tired of loving, I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of suffering. I’ve had way too much of that, the same way as how an alcoholic had too much beer and is about to die from his own stupidity.

But most of all… I’m tired of caring.

Why? Why do I care about people? Why do I care about everyone? Why do I care about people who don’t even look at me? Good merciful God, why? I try to look the other way, try to think that “Meh, f*ck them, they’re not worth my time,” just like what nii-chan told me, but every time I do, there’s this little voice in me saying all kinds of stuff.

Dude, she needs help.

So? Let her find help.

No one’s going to. Only you have the heart to help.

Come on, Joshua. You can’t stand seeing her like that, right?

Fine. I’ll help.

This is what always happens. Always. Every damn time I try to ignore someone, this inner me starts whispering, talking to me, until I give in to it. What, am I a slave to myself? Yes! Yes I am! Either that or I’m just too kind to really ignore people, like, it’s in my nature to care about everyone around me. That’s just plain bullsh*t. I’m walking straight into a death trap that has bright, flashing signs that says “WARNING – DEATH TRAP”.

Oh, I’ve invented a new form of government that only applies to me! It’s called “Idiocracy”! You know, when you’re that much of an idiot to care about someone who wouldn’t even give a rat’s ass about you? Yeah! Idiocracy!

And why care about the “greater good”? What about your own good? Wow! As if anyone cares for my good! Come on, only nii-chan was able to show the most affectionate gesture for me. Only he knows what’s truly, truly in here *points to chest*. Not the person I love, dimwits (yes, I called you all dimwits because I am royally pissed right now), but who I really am. F*ck, not even I know myself that much! And I even dare think about such obsolete stuff as “my good”? What is that, some myth? Oh yes! It’s actually the biggest myth in history, it took down Greek Mythology and Roman Mythology in one fell swoop! What the f*ck!

And now I’m confused again, more than ever. Why love? Why wait? Why help? Why think? Why worry? Why protect? Why kiss, why caress, why hug, why look, why remember, why cry, why f*cking care?! Can’t I just not care? Can’t I…?


What did I tell myself? The only thing that I can do? Endure. Endure it for as long as you must. Endure the wasted efforts, endure the cold shoulder, endure the uncaring looks. It’s what you do best, anyway.

This is your blogger with a steel resolve The EnglishRazor, logging off.



With my pen, the world sits in the palm of my hand.

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