Posted in BloodRazor

17: Guilt

I hate it when my efforts are being wasted. I worked so hard for something, and then all of a sudden, it’s not needed anymore. Effort is something that must be recognized and appreciated, not taken for granted and thrown aside like a chocolate wrapper.

So now I feel guilty for not recognizing other people’s hard work. I didn’t notice it, that in the past few days, contrary to what I was saying a few weeks ago, I only cared about myself, about what I would feel. I failed to see others’ efforts. And now that I see how much of a selfish person I’ve become, I’ve abhorred myself. This isn’t you. You are not selfish. You always share. You care about others… even if they don’t care about you. You even care about the people you hate.

It is true, that I just want the person to be happy, contented. I don’t even care if other people say I’m just going to get even more hurt. Please, I am the embodiment of hurt. I feel strange comfort in suffering.

But recently, my heart has been betraying me, planting selfish, immoral thoughts in my head. Don’t care about others. You’ve been hurt too much.

However, it is in my nature to care. I cannot possibly force myself to simply not care about other people, even if I hate them. A strange, automatic command in my brain makes me think, what do you think he/she would feel if you said or did this to him/her?

 

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With my pen, the world sits in the palm of my hand.

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