Posted in EnglishRazor

3: What if…?

Konbanwa, it’s me again. Even though this is already my third post, I am still somewhat clueless as to how a blog really works, and what are its true uses. For now, I’m going to use it like a friend who will listen to my thoughts and stories. A fake friend, though, since real friends tend to get bored when the story gets too long.

Anyway, about the title, I thought about it while I was going home riding a jeep. Whenever I ride a vehicle, my mind tends to fly as fast as the car, unless I have someone else to talk with. So earlier, while absently watching the asphalt whiz by, I wondered, what if this happened, what if this never happened, what if I met this person… what if I never met this person. When the final phrase passed through my mind, I began wondering which person could my subconscious be talking about. As I shifted my gaze from the road to the jeep’s interior, my eyes fell upon a couple, holding each others’ hands warmly and lovingly. Then it hit me-I knew which person my subconscious was referring to.

It was my ex. If you know me to an extent, you’d know who she is.

So, I unchained my thoughts and let them fly around. What if I never met her? What if I went to school late on October 6, 2015? What if I didn’t have a glasses fetish? What if I decided not to talk to Ethan that day? My thoughts ran wilder and wilder as the scenery blurred past. What if I never really met her? Would I have these mixed emotions right now? Would I still be hurt? Would I have ended up with someone else? Would I have a chance with… her?

One by one, I tried to answer each question. If I never met her, most probably I wouldn’t be hurt this much. I wouldn’t have mixed emotions right now. I might even have ended up with someone else. Gosh, I might even have a chance to prove to her that I was here, ready to catch her if ever she grew so tired.

But if I never met her… all those sweet memories would not exist as well. The Centerpoint date. The sweet gestures. The holding hands, the hugs, the kisses, the I love yous, the feeling of soaring like an eagle. And most of all, the feeling of being complete.

But… if I never met her… then maybe I wouldn’t have to play hide-and-seek with her mom. Maybe the Social Studies faculty room won’t look like hell to me. Maybe both of us wouldn’t have to get crushed like a nut to a nutcracker. Maybe I’d still be NGSB. Maybe… I could have… made a move… first.

Damn, I’m crying now. Alright, I gotta wrap this up. When I got off the jeep, I knew that thinking all of these possible outcomes couldn’t possibly change anything. Thoughts cannot turn back the hands of Time. In this universe we live in, aside from gravity and farting, time is one thing we cannot control. However, it can change the way we decide. Maybe next time, I’ll think about every possible outcome that can happen from a certain decision. But doing that would be tedious, so in the end, all we can do is roll with it. This is your writer the EnglishRazor, tearfully logging off. Sayonara.

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With my pen, the world sits in the palm of my hand.

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